Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I got chris browned last night
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
