Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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