Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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