She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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