best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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