Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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