Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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