He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
