I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Randomize
