I can't breathe out the right side of my face
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
