It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I supernannyed him into submission
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
