I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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