Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
