My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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