Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
