I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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