I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
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That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
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did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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