She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
