Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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