So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
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