I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Randomize
