dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
