I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
