Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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