the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
hell yes lets make some ravioli
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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