i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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