Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
