I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
