so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
