Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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