Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
