you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
The beer is more important than you right now.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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