what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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