i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
