wanna go halves on a baby?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Randomize
