That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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