He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
