I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
