Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
