I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
