marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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