Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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