I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
My vagina just recognized that song.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
