I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
