i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Someone shattered a urinal.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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