she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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