I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
