Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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