I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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