I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
im on a boat
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