Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Randomize
