I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
