This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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