i wish there were pregnant emoticons
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Less talking, more tequila
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
