If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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