If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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