Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
