You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
