Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
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I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
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Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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