Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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