I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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