i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
