I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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