I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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